


Expedited shipping

by windhaven



Series: Post-Game [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Multi, Other, Shipping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-12
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2019-06-09 11:51:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15266925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/windhaven/pseuds/windhaven
Summary: Leijons ship everyone





	1. Analysis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Check and mate.

"I can't reiterate this enough times! Such a windfall, twelve new characters, I am sooo glad we initiated the scratch."

"Yeah, it's so cool! They're so similar, and yet so different. Not to mention the kids!"

"Whooo....but not as exciting. I heard that they only engage in flushed romance..."

"I observed them very closely. They might not recognize all the quadrants as such, but they seem fully capable of feeling the full breadth of emotions that all the quadrants entail!"

"Oh! Then we should convert them!"

"Yes! Four romances are way better than just one. How do you even get anything exciting going with just one romance?"

Everyone slowly cleared out of the room, because whenever the Leijons went into shipgasm mode, it quickly became awkward for everyone else. Soon enough, Damara was the only other one left in the room, sitting silently on the floor, as if she was meditating.

Damara had given Meulin pretty explicit permission to ship the fuck out of her with everyone else. It was really too bad that no one wanted to be shipped with Damara.

The Leijons had moved onto shipping all the dancestor ships, since the crack ships are the best ships.

"Damara/Aradia...I always thought that Aradia was going to be forever alone in the caliginous department -"

"Well, Damara blackflirts with anything that moves -"

"But really, I'm really happy for Aradia that there's someone who hates her instead of being creeped out by her first."

"Yeah, they really know how to get under each other's skin."

"Latula/Terezi."

"Terezi seems pretty intimidated by Latula. Latula...would be proud of Terezi! I'd be proud of Terezi!"

"To be honest, I really have no idea what Latula is thinking mostly. I just make stuff up as I go."

"But that's all we ever do! So, Kismesisses?"

"I don't know....I could see it leaning more red."

"Kankri/Karkat."

"You know, I think Karkat can really hate Kankri."

"More than he hates everything else?"

"Purr-ease, Kankri is the ultimate Karkat's alternate self. But it's never going to be reciprocated."

"Yeah, Kankri is sooo oblivious. Seer of Blood, my butt."

"This has the makings of a beautiful one-way pitch crush."

"Mituna/Sollux -"

"Mewtuna Catpurr. Let us take a moment of silence to behold the glory that is four cat puns in a row."

"They could be kismesisses, I can easily see them hating each other, but I'd like to see them working through their problems as morails..."

"No, they'd make auspistices, a weird two-troll variant somehow."

"Hmm. Let's just agree that they're not matesprits."

"Porrim/Kanaya."

"Morails."

"Really? Ahh I don't know if I like Porrim/Latula or Porrim/Kanaya better. I really don't know which one, oh noooooooooo, I'm so happy."

"Horruss/Equius."

"Quadrants with Equius are always a bit of a mystery. It's like he never knows what to do unless there's some time-honored tradition dictating appropriate conduct."

"You know, Horuss is kind of the same way! You know he got into diamonds with me because you and Equius set the precedent? It was interesting. I tried to give him a more cheery disposition, but what he really needs to learn to do is how to follow his heart."

"Yep, I have to remind Equius of that all the time! But that's what makes shipping him so fun, so many possibilities."

"Rufioh/Tavros.

They're in a moraillegence...isn't Rufioh already Tavros' self-esteem?"

"Well he's kind of, not exactly, Tavros' self-esteem is like an alternate future brain version of Rufioh..."

"What does it mean to be in a relationship with your self-esteem's alternate past real version?"

"Well, it's great that the relationship seems to be going so well!"

"Aranea/Vriska.

They're self-centered and they care too much. Misunderstandings, schemings, deceit and heartbreak, all culminating in the biggest gambit pileup roulette in the history of Paradox Space, which all goes according to plan because Light players, smh. And when everything falls to pieces they go on to exchange the most overdramatic declarations of flushed pity."

"I actually want to write this."

"Meenah/Feferi -"

"It's soo cute how Meenah tries soo hard to stop herself from killing Feferi."

"Yeah! It makes for an interesting dynamic."

"Yeah, like they'd be matesprits but they have to keep themselves from killing each other."


	2. Closure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leijons roleplay.

"There were so many Davekat pictures at Lord English's place, and it opened my eyes to its allure!"

"That makes no sense...in the context of how he blackflirts with me like there's no tomorrow..."

"Aliens sure are weird!^TM"

"Why does Karkat think I'm soliciting him into a relationship where we rape each other repeatedly."

"What!? No, that's not how kismesisstudes work -"

"Grr! I am angry at the world! I will eat it!"

"Yo Karkles, chill."

"Nepeta, who do you think I am!?"

"Karkles hahahaha Karkles"

"Strider, I refuse to believe that you are not freaking out about this."

"It's some sort of weird alien shit right."

"Ugh, it was bad enough when we ransacked Lord English's place and we found all these...uh...good riddance, he's already and forevermore falling down a mobius double reacharound set of stairs."

"Here look Karkles. Can I call you Karkles?"

"No."

"Karkles, we're deeply entrenched in this shit. Or should I say, ship. Because this is what shippers do. We're being shipped like it's overnight priority express. If we don't get there by 7 am tomorrow heads will fly. Angry customers calling us demanding to know where their precious babies are. Saying that we better deliver. We better start making out like kismesissississes. What if I told you that there are hundreds or people out there just like the Leijons. Who fantasize about us. And roleplay and cosplay. And imagine us having alien sex with tentacle junk because rule 34. Trolls have tentacle junk right. Who am I kidding they're aliens of course they have tentacle junk. If you're an alien but don't have tentacle junk you failed the first test of being an alien. But we don't know about them because. Because they exist somewhere we can't access. That doesn't make any sense. Never mind."

"Oh look! Maybe Terezi will convince some sense into them."

"Yes, Leijons, maybe shipping is fun! But cracking maniacally while those dweebs try to figure out who they're obviously interested in is even more fun."

"What's wrong with letting them know how we ship them?"

"The mind is a delicate process! Telling the mind its own process risks changing the state of mind. If you keep on doing that, you might never know where you need to go!"

"But if you know who you are and what you want, in your heart, those things shouldn't really matter!"

"I'm not going to convince you two, am I?"

"Did Terezi just admit that she ships us oh god Terezi ships us doesn't she"

"Hahahahaha btw didn't you trolls have some quadrant that was a threesome"

Doomed Timeline:

"Why does Karkat think I'm soliciting him into a relationship where we rape each other repeatedly"

"What's rape."

"Oh my god"


	3. Boundaries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leijons struggle with consent.

"For our date today! I play Kanaya, and you play Vriska, okay?"

"Ah yes!!! The way the flushed tension creeps into their pale romance is sooo cute."

"Let's do the thing where you pretend to mind control me and I pretend to be mind controlled by you."

"Hmm, how do I pretend to mind control you without saying the instructions? Oh, do you want to..."

"Alright! This is the sign for a cat!"

"Cat!"

"Cat!"

"Gato!"

"Neko!"

"Mewbeast!"

"Meowbeast!"

"Purrbeast!"

"Nyanbeast!"

"Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!"

"This is not okay."

"Really, though? Here, we have two consenting individuals,"

"Vriska Serket wants to lecture me about consent -"

"It's not my fault, I was born this way - Geez, how do you read so much porn without stumbling into non-con??"

"It's not porn, it's the fine art of romance novels. You can get off on hurr hurr I'm forcing people to do things I'm so powerful while I go hypothesize about higher-dimensional quadrant vacillations."

"Okay, okay, you win! The forces of 'rape is great' has been thoroughly and utterly defeated! Now go do a victory dance!"

"That's not really what I'm trying to get at here, I'm trying to say that what two consenting individuals get up to behind closed doors is none of our business."

"But they're not behind closed doors."

"Yep, they're shameless."

"That's the point! Before this, they used to have some mental filters that stopped them from going gaga over their friends in public like this. But now it's been blown clean out by blind pity."

"Yes. If they did it behind closed doors and out of our way it wouldn't bother me one bit."

"Really."

"Okay, in theory, it shouldn't. But if they ask me before they roleplay me... uh, as you would say, 'tmi'."


	4. Wake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trolls get together to try to stop the Leijons.

"Should they really be allowed to go around and ship any ship they want to ship, which is all of them? Except the Amporas, because they have a get-out-of-shipping-free card for some reason. But really, all the other ships, all of them? We need to talk to their morails. Meulin -"

"Damara's her morail."

"Wonderful, it's not slightly disturbing that the Leijons are hooking up diamonds with the hardcore perverts. We're not going to deal with Damara. Let's go find Equius."

"Equius, we need to you to talk some sense to your morail and her matesprit."

"What has she been up to?"

"No! You can't stop the shipping shippers from shippily shipping all the ships! All of them!"

"Shippily is not a word, Nepeta."

"You can't stop the shippers!  
They've been always shipping  
Since the world's been turning  
You can't stop the shippers!  
Yes you tried to stop them  
But you couldn't fight them"

"Well, Nepeta... [*cut for brevity*]"

"Oh, I'm so sorry I didn't think of it that way! Whenever I want to roleplay someone, I should ask them for permission first, like I do with my fics!"

"That's not the point, Nepeta."

"Yeah, you need to stop doing things that make everyone uncomfortable, like role-playing them, and start doing things that make everyone slightly less uncomfortable, like doting on each other and calling each other embarrassing pet names."

[Aranea is called in for assistance] 

"And if you ever do this again! We'll force you to watch Cronus and Eridan make out!"

"Wait."

"Why."

[Nepeta and Meulin make sounds like kittens being strangled to death] 

"Great. Everyone thinks that I'm better off forever alone."

"Uh."

"Even the shipper girls think I'm better off forever alone."

"Well."

"How do I change my last name to Ampora?"

"By marrying me."

"Fuck you."

"Look, np, np2. This is a get-out-of-shipping-free card."

"...What does it mean?"

"It means that I get out of shipping free."

"..."

"..."

"Okay."

"Wait, I did not know that was possible!? Quick, make some anti-shipping cards!"

"Okay so I have created some OCs for you to ship. They are these 48 players of a Sgrub game. 36 trolls, 12 kids."

"Ooh, these cards looks interesting. What's this one?"

"Oh her. A mutation resulted in her having sparkly pink blood. The sparkly pink blood is delectable. It combines a pleasant peach with a hint of lavender and honey. With a fizzy carbonation that plays delightfully on the tongue. Oh and did I mention how delicious her sparkly pink blood is."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shipped; shipped; shipped; all shipped; you are all shipped. Goodbye


End file.
